Eber: Are Beetle Burgers in California’s future

I love a Tommy Dog loaded with Chili.  I prefer a Jumbo Jack to a Big Mac.  Periodically, I love prime rib or a rib eye steak.  In the real world I get to make a choice.  In the world of the elites, only the rich and powerful get a choice in food.  Never a choice is education.

Now we are told beetleburgers are the future.

“A huge public relations campaign is being planned to promote new bug protein substitutes.  Initially, the product was to be named Soylent Green but unfortunately a copyright was still in place from the 1973 dystopian movie. Other names being considered are “I can’t believe it’s not Ground Chuck” and” Bug-fil-A”

Part of the public relations campaign involves convincing the public that consumers have a large choice on how they desire their meat substitute to be prepared.  This includes:

Worm Tar-Tar: Live critters seasoned in a mustard sauce are an innovative appetizer with the menu item to be described “If it’s movin its grovin”

Well done:  Just like McDonald’s and other fast food chains. Experts at Ynsect believe “Once large amounts of ketchup, mayonnaise, and other toppings are applied, no one will ever know the difference”

Over Easy:  On spare the Air days and other times of energy shortages, Beatle Burgers will only be cooked on one side.”

I can not wait till Richard Eber does a restaurant review, highlighting beetle or worm “meat” as the main ingredient—glad he, not I will be doing the taste test.

Are Beetle Burgers in California’s future by Richard Eber

Richard Eber, Exclusive to the California Political News and Views,  1/24/23 

California Political News and Views editor Steve Frank is always trying to get me to incorporate subject matter from my other journalistic endeavor being a restaurant critic for the Concord Pioneer newspaper.  This dream has finally been realized because of a newly opened factory located in France producing Beetle Burgers.

Once in production Ynsect General Manager Benjamin Armenjon predicts insect protein will economically replace beef throughout the world reducing greenhouse gas levels by 14.5% worldwide.

Thus far utilizing bugs as a substitute for all kinds of meat products is off to a successful start.  The results from a test kitchen have been promising.  Three out of four grade school children could not tell the difference between Mothloaf and the Meatloaf they are served each week. 

The same focus groups indicated when the kids tested Beatle Burgers versus the mystery meat they are accustomed to, it all tasted like chicken.

A huge public relations campaign is being planned to promote new bug protein substitutes.  Initially, the product was to be named Soylent Green but unfortunately a copyright was still in place from the 1973 dystopian movie. Other names being considered are “I can’t believe it’s not Ground Chuck” and” Bug-fil-A”

Part of the public relations campaign involves convincing the public that consumers have a large choice on how they desire their meat substitute to be prepared.  This includes:

Worm Tar-Tar: Live critters seasoned in a mustard sauce are an innovative appetizer with the menu item to be described “If it’s movin its grovin”

Well done:  Just like McDonald’s and other fast food chains. Experts at Ynsect believe “Once large amounts of ketchup, mayonnaise, and other toppings are applied, no one will ever know the difference”

Over Easy:  On spare the Air days and other times of energy shortages, Beatle Burgers will only be cooked on one side.

Diversity Burgers: Just to make sure one is not consuming what can be construed as a racist patty, a combination of 10 different bugs is planned for this innovative product.  The parent company of Ynsect is planning on setting up a reparations funds for January 6th survivors, with 10% of the profits generated by Diversity Burger sales.

As a man can work up a big thirst consuming such delectable cuisine, a new Bugweiser Light beeris being introduced that offers full taste with half the calories of regular insects.

In California plans are underway to properly regulate the sale of the innovative meat substitute products.  Senator Scott Weiner (D-San Francisco) has already introduced a bill to make sure every critter grown in California must be organic along with being GMO free.

 Weiner concluded “It should be noted artificial proteins are gluten free so everyone can enjoy their new diet without fear of consuming poisonous substances.”

Even better the manufacturers of these meat substitutes promise everything they produce will be sustainable and healthy to the environment.  Even tree huggers have concluded the chance of worms and insects going on the endangered species list is virtually nil.

To make sure this product grown in California is humanely raised, a “Bugs Rights Commission” will be appointed by Governor Gavin Newsom to show the rest of the world why the Golden State is indeed the Freedom State.  As part of this process, Bug farms will be overseen by PETA to make sure agricultural enterprises conduct their business in cage free-ethical trenches. 

A spokesperson for Governor Newsom remarked “When it is time to euthanize worms and insects, we will respect these well regarded members of Charlotte’s Web with a fitting send-off.  Catholic farmers will be given an option of delivering last rights while Progressives plan to name schools in honor of those creatures who gave up their lives to help mankind

With the switchover from beef, pork, lamb, and chicken to a more environmentally friendly diet, an extensive public relations plan is being planned. The services of noted Russian Hoax proponent Adam Schiff has been retained by the bug lobby.  According to informed sources, “If the Congressman can convince the voters Trump and Putin are in cahoots, this guy can sell freezers to the Eskimo’s.”

Advertisements are planned for Martha Stewart to host a cooking show where Earwig Kiev and Noodles Bug-In-Off will be prepared along with a special Beetle Juice Cocktail.

To properly prepare the public for incoming culinary revolution such noted household products as RAID and Black Flag will be banned for use in California.  Mere possession of these insecticides will be considered to be hate crime with a minimum of five years as the most lenient punishment for such a blatant offense.

A bug rights organization sent out a Tweet “The lives of Arthropods are a terrible thing to waste”.

A silver lining to the culinary bug revolution will be hysteria bring reduced banning for gas stoves.  Beginning with Berkeley and San Diego, natural gas is expected to disappear from society.  At that juncture, it will likely not matter how food is prepared anyway.

Noted chef Thomas Keller is expected to shut down his iconic French Laundry restaurant in Yountville. The only menu item from previous times he will be able to serve is Escargots Bourguignon.  We can’t envision Keller preparing a Black Widow Soufflé infused with Spanish Fly larva. 

His only hope might be if Gavin Newsom returns as a guest, he smuggles in some PC approved baby veal whose short life sucked up only trace amounts of Greenhouse gases.  Drinking a bottle of his favorite vintage 1984 Chateau du Pimp, the Governor should be in a strong position to make a run for the White House in 2024.

It is thought his campaign slogan might be “Gavin will Bug you for all the right reasons.”

About Stephen Frank

Stephen Frank is the publisher and editor of California Political News and Views. He speaks all over California and appears as a guest on several radio shows each week. He has also served as a guest host on radio talk shows. He is a fulltime political consultant.

Comments

  1. DAN M CURTIS says

    Didn’t realize that Richard Eber is a member of Babylon Bee!

  2. no way jose as they say!!

  3. Marcy Berry says

    Richard, please, don’t give Scott Wiener any ideas! But maybe too late. He is already forming the Yucky Oversight Committee.

  4. SOYLENT GREEN

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